Step 5: Conquer your emotion and accept yourself more

Through the experience of your emotion you will come to acceptance of yourself. This means after processing the emotion conquering the negative emotions will help you to accept yourself more.

Conquer your emotion

Process:

  1. do not feel any emotion
  2. experience emotion
  3. express emotion
  4. process emotion
  5. accept yourself

The goal of the use of the Tap Technique is making sure that your negative emotions do not harm you anymore, or differently put: more self-esteem means less negative emotions.
Every negative emotion is a reaction to the disturbance of your balance, which causes pain. Although it could happen that you do not sense any emotion despite there is pain (1).

For example you have learned to be hard on yourself. When you get hurt, you do not respond anymore with a negative emotion. Compare it with bumping your head  some times after another. Perhaps the first few times you can deny the pain, but the more you bump it the pain gets bigger. It works the same when you deny your negative emotions, if you have been hurt too often in the same way your pain level will be exceeded. And you will experience pain as well (2).

Others will sooner feel pain and experience the negative emotion at once. After feeling the pain they will express it (3). Compare it to screaming of pain. Emotionally hurt means that you will express this with anger, sorrow, grief, jealousy, envy. Expressing means taking the negative feeling outside. You won’t keep your anger to yourself or swallow your tears. Experiencing an emotion without expressing it is possible too. People can cry for days expressing their grief without ending their pain. Apparently expressing your negative emotion does not guarantee that you lose your pain.

To permanently lose your pain you have to heal the wound so that you can process your emotion (4).

Being released from this mental wound will prevent you from responding as you used to for example on others behavior. They won’t be able to hurt you in this way anymore. This other way of responding, is the response of the healed ‘me’. As you do not feel any negative emotions at this point anymore, you may draw the conclusion you have accepted yourself (5).

Accept yourself more 

Acceptance is no resignation. It is the solution to being to love yourself. Why is it so difficult to accept that others do or say things that you dislike? Or that are annoying you?
Note that annoying means being sad or angry because of the behavior of others without you taking any action at all. Annoying makes you stop. You do not take action.

Example
Continuously you are annoyed by the behavior of your colleague. Day in day out. The annoyance does not disappear as you do not discuss the matter with him. It is harder for you to admit to him your irritation, that is why you keep inactive. In the mean while you are irritated all day long.

Differently put: you do not accept your annoyance of the colleague. Admitting this irritation to him is admitting to him that he hurts you. And that is what you definitely do not want to do both to yourself nor to him. Only after accepting from yourself that your colleague is hurting you, you can take action.

So acceptance is the solution which will really help you. Many people are confusing this matter as follows. When you discuss acceptance, people mostly argue saying so I need to accept the other person’s behavior. No, you have to accept YOUR annoyance and pain.

In general this means that behavior of others evokes resistance from you. This resistance expresses itself as your negative emotion. The cause of these emotions is the way how you cope with yourself and has not anything to do with how you react on somebody else.

Often people are blaming others for causing their emotions. Initially you have to admit for instance your own anger or grief to yourself. You have to say to yourself: okay I am hurt. What you in fact do is admitting that your colleague is able to hurt you. So in fact it has nothing to do with your colleague but with you. He is able to hurt you. Apparently you are vulnerable and it is only concerning you. Your colleague is only circumstantial. Other things or people could have annoyed you as well. This annoyance is your problem and you have to deal with it.

Secondly we have come to a point that you have to accept the person you really are. You are vulnerable, your colleague is able to hurt you. Perhaps you find yourself weak and you do not like to be weak. You like to see yourself as a strong person. It is a disappointment to admit that you are weak in your own eyes.

The instrument of loving yourself is self acceptance.

Another common reason for not expressing your anger is the fear of hurting people who are going to dislike you for that reason To avoid conflicts you swallow your anger. Needless to say that this does not release you from your annoyance. You would help yourself a lot if you would accept that you are very vulnerable and dependant on the appreciation of other people and that this is the cause for not daring to express your annoyance.

There are two ways of accepting:
1. Consciously

2. Unconsciously

A dutiful woman has two children and has been married with her first love for more than twenty years. She is a devoted mother and wife who effaces herself completely for her family. She seems satisfied with her life until she falls in love with a ten year younger man. She cheats and is shocked by her own conduct. She blames herself for putting at risk the happiness of both her children and her husband. They do not deserve that. She is swung back and forth between her feelings of guilt and being in love. She does not understand herself anymore.

Twenty years she believed to be happy. She accepted her life (unconsciously). She lived by the rules she learned from her parents and the way women are supposed to raise a family. Her acceptance had came from unawareness. She had copied the behavior of her relatives, but never asked herself the question if she wanted to live a standard ‘family’ life.

Now when she had fallen in love, her life turned into a mess. She doubted everything. She came to a point where she had to make a choice between a life she wanted or a life others expected from her to live. She had to find out who she really was.

Accepting yourself means knowing yourself and then agreeing who you are, after finding out who you are and what you want from life. Only then you can consciously choose for the person who you are.

Your negative emotions are a means to indicate that you are not satisfied or not happy with yourself. There for you cannot accept yourself if you notice your negative emotions.


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